


Consular with a Heavy Burden

by Jestana



Series: SWTOR fics [3]
Category: Star Wars: The Old Republic
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-13
Updated: 2015-05-14
Packaged: 2018-02-13 01:23:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 11,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2131749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jestana/pseuds/Jestana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Force has always been unusually strong with him, but such sensitivity comes at a price.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Coruscant

**Author's Note:**

> These are just snippets I've written based on what I experience in the game on my Jedi Consular. As such, there'll be spoilers for bits and bobs of the storyline as I encounter them.
> 
> **Edit:** Qyzen looks like [this](http://tor-fashion.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/QyzenFess2.png) because I liked the green better than the default.

_"Herald is uneasy,"_ Qyzen Fess commented as he and the Miraluka left the Senate Tower.

The purple veil across the consular's eyes fluttered as he nodded. "I am, Qyzen. Seeing the master like that has me worried. She's so changed."

 _"Find the Noetikons. Will help Yuon."_ He sniffed the air, still uneasy. This planet was so full, yet so empty at the same time.

The Herald nodded again, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. "Perhaps I should meditate. I'll be no good to Master Yuon if I let my concern for her cloud my judgment."

 _"Is Jedi way, yes."_ Qyzen nodded, gesturing to the taxi droid. _"Take taxi. Meditate while traveling. Calm, balanced when we arrive."_

A small smile formed below the veil. "Yes, that's what I'll do."

They boarded the taxi and settled back for the ride to the Old Galactic Market. The Herald folded his hands before him and bowed his head. Qyzen remained silent, letting him meditate. It was still strange to him that such a small, skinny near-human like the Herald could wield such power as he did and fight so well. _Reminds me of Yuon. Will be good to stay with him. Can help each other._ Satisfied, the Trandoshen looked out over Corsucant as the taxi sped through the air.

* * *

Qyzen watched in silence as the Herald and Attros lifted the unconscious Yuon onto one of the beds. He hadn't liked fighting his friend, but she'd have killed them otherwise. He found human and near-human faces difficult to read, but he could see that the Herald's typical calm and serenity had disappeared from his face and body language. As the Trandoshan watched, the Miraluka took his master's hand in both of his and bowed his head. A moment later, a nimbus of light surrounded both of them. When it faded, Yuon's twitching had stilled. The Herald looked at Attros. "She should remain quiet for a little time at least."

"Thank you, Quingil." Attros offered a small smile.

The Herald inclined his head briefly and gently set Yuon's hand on the bed. Without looking at Qyzen, he left the room. Stepping forward, the Trandoshan gazed down at his old friend. "Strong hunter. Fight for life." With that, he turned and left the room. He almost tripped over the Herald in the process. The Jedi sat huddled on the floor outside the room, his knees drawn up to his chest and his forehead resting on them. _"Herald sick?"_

"It's not a physical ailment, my friend." The Herald didn't lift his head. "Fighting Master Yuon like that has...unsettled me. The Force didn't like it."

He folded his arms across his chest, gazing down at the small near-human in some surprise. The Herald's serene calm had seemed unshakeable on Tython. Qyzen supposed this was part of the reason Jedi were taught not to form attachments, not to let their emotions get the better of them. _"Tell Force it was necessary. Would have liked death less."_

"The Force doesn't work like that." The Herald lifted his head, as if he was 'looking' at Qyzen, a very small smile lifting the corners of his mouth. "You're right, though. Our deaths would have disturbed the Force more."

Qyzen offered his hand and the Herald took it, getting to his feet. _"Find Noetikon. Best way to help Yuon."_

"Part of me is afraid we won't find it in time." The Miraluka looked back into the medbay, forehead wrinkling with worry.

 _"Yuon is strong hunter. Fight to live. Fear is unnecessary."_  
  
As Qyzen watched, the Jedi took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. The worry faded from his face and he nodded. "You're right, Qyzen. Thank you."

Together, they headed for the doors leading from the Senate Tower. They had one last Noetikon to find. Hopefully, it had the answers they sought.

* * *

"Oh, you're here! Quickly--we're barely detecting a pulse on Yuon." At Attros's words, the Herald ran to Yuon's bedside. Qyzen caught a glimpse of his face and for once he saw naked fear on the Miraluka's face. The usual serenity that seemed to emanate from him was gone. "If there was any time to test what you've learned in the temple, it's now."

He lightly brushed his fingers over her temple, a slight tremble in his words. "I hope this works."

"So do I. Yuon's life depends on it." Qyzen shot a look at Attros to be quiet. Little Herald needed to concentrate now.

They watched as Quingil performed the ritual, light surrounding both him and Yuon for a few moments before it faded. He slumped onto the bed for a moment, shaking his head. Then Yuon sat up and she was the Jedi master Qyzen had known all these years once again. After the Herald left to speak with the Jedi council, he addressed his friend. _"Herald is strong for his size."_

"I know, old friend." She smiled weakly up at him. "I have rarely seen one so attuned to the Force, but it could be his undoing."

That puzzled him. The Jedi valued a connection to the Force. How could it be bad. _"Undoing? How?"_

"It could lead him to extend himself beyond his capabilities," she explained. Then she caught his hand in hers. "Look after him for me, Qyzen. I am better now, but I still need time to recover my strength. I'll rest easier knowing that someone I trust is watching his back and keeping him safe."

He nodded. As if he could do anything less for the Jedi Yuon had chosen as her student. _"Herald will be protected."_

"Thank you, my friend." She squeezed his hand with a smile and some of the tension left her body then.

Quingil returned then, looking deeply troubled. He explained that there were other Jedi masters afflicted like Yuon and, since he was the only one who knew how, it was up to him to find them and shield them. He'd even been given a ship to make traveling to the masters easier. Qyzen would have offered to go with him even if Yuon hadn't asked him to help. The Scorekeeper's Herald needed his help.


	2. Taris

"Stop!" Aris exclaimed when Master Tykan cried out at whatever Jedi Quingil was doing. "You're hurting him!"

Qyzen, the Jedi's companion, caught her when she tried to physically stop him. The Padawan looked up at the Trandoshen a little fearfully. _"Wait. Herald knows what he's doing."_

"What is it? Why must it hurt Master Tykan so much?" She clenched her fingers around the armor on his arm.

His answer was simple, but full of impact. _"Saving him."_

"Does it have to hurt so much?" Aris dashed a hand across her eyes, angry at herself for giving in to the emotion. She was a Jedi Padawan! She should be calm and composed like Quingil!

Whatever the young Jedi was doing, he finished and both he and Master Tykan slumped down. Qyzen released Aris to go to his friend, steadying him. She approached hesitantly, even though it soon became clear that whatever had changed her master had gone. He looked at her, gold eyes full of remorse, "Aris. My Padawan, can you forgive me? I would have killed you if not for our friend here."

"Of course I do, Master." She managed a watery smile, overwhelmingly relieved. "You weren't yourself. It wasn't really _you_."

Quingil seemed to have recovered, because he approached them then. "Not everyone will see it that way, unfortunately. Captain Nelex wants Master Tykan dead for all of the soldiers the rakghouls killed at the base."

"I will avoid the base then." The idea clearly saddened him. Still sad, he looked at Aris once again. "You will probably be assigned to a new master, Aris."

She shook her head vehemently. "I don't _want_ a new master."

"Peace, Aris." Master Tykan gently gripped her shoulders. "Whatever the Republic decides to do about me, I will probably no longer be allowed to train you. Make your peace with it, please."

Aris blinked back tears again and reluctantly nodded. He was right, of course. "Yes, Master Tykan. I hope it all works out for you."

"I hope so, too." He looked relieved, yet worried.

She turned to Quingil, who looked pale. "Will you be all right?"

"Yes, I will." He nodded, leaning slightly against his Trandoshen friend.

Aris bowed slight. "May the Force be with you, Jedi Quingil."

"And with you, Padawan Aris." He returned the slight bow and turned to leave, Qyzen at his side.

* * *

"Herald? Something wrong?" Qyzen studied the near-human carefully. He stood frozen in place. Were he not Miraluka, he'd have been staring straight ahead at nothing.

Quingil took a deep breath and turned to the Trandoshen, his brow creased with a frown. "The Light would have me let these creatures live so Bay-Yon Siu can teach them the Force."

"If you do, you would endanger everyone else on Taris!" Danah Jor called from the cage.

For the first time since he shielded Yuon, the Herald looked distressed. "As a Jedi, I am sworn to protect the innocent. To do that, I would have to condemn these Rakghouls to die."

_"Which lives more important?"_ Qyzen asked him, reminding him what was most important.

His friend shook his head. "The colonists' lives are more important, but that would mean following the Dark and I once swore that I would _never_ do that!"

"The Light is not always right, young Jedi," Danah's voice, pitched to carry to Quingil from the cage, was nevertheless gentle. "To protect the innocent lives entrusted to us as Jedi, we must sometimes make decisions that are ultimately Dark. Ask yourself this: if you agreed to let that crazy holocron teach the nekghouls, could you live with yourself?"

Quingil's expression cleared and he set his jaw. "No, I could not. The colonists place their trust in us as Jedi. I cannot betray that trust. These nekghouls cannot be allowed to live."

_"Right decision, Herald,"_ Qyzen told him once he'd freed Danah and the other Jedi had set the reactor to kill the rakghouls.

The little Herald let out a deep breath. "I will need to meditate to fully accept what I've done."

_"Later. Time to run."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added the new scene because Quingil is so firmly _Light_ that a decision like that one would be very difficult for him to make.


	3. Nar Shaddaa

Syo had told him what to expect, but it hadn't prepared him for actually witnessing it! Tharan hoped he would never again hear someone scream like that. Though he didn't like seeing his old friend in pain, that clearly faded when Quingil finished whatever he was doing. The young Jedi, on the other hand, stumbled when he finished and Tharan caught him, helping to steady him. "Are you all right, Quin?"

"I'm fine, Tharan." The Jedi sounded exasperated, but didn't correct Tharan's use of the nickname he'd come up with for him. "I just--" he took a deep breath and straightened up "--need a moment, that's all."

Duras Fain, looking more like the man Tharan remembered, approached them then. "I'm myself again, but at great cost to _you_ , Jedi Quingil. I can see how pale you've become."

"It's a small price to pay." Quingil gently removed Tharan's steadying hand from his arm. "To ensure the Republic is safe."

The Miraluka wavered, but Qyzen Fess appeared out of the shadows then, swiftly moving to steady his smaller friend. _"Herald, Yuon will worry."_

"It's merely temporary, Qyzen." The Jedi straightened again, shaking his head briefly.

Watching as he talked with Duras, Tharan came to a decision. _I've enjoyed working with him and it looks like he'll keep running himself ragged with only Qyzen to look after him. It'll be a wrench to leave Nar Shaddaa behind, but a change of scenery will do me good._

His decision made, he bid farewell to Quingil and Qyzen for the moment and hurried back to his offices to get his affairs in order, pack his things, and come up with a believable reason for deciding to tag along besides worry for his new friend. After all, he _did_ have a reputation to uphold.


	4. Tatooine

The moment Syo Bakarn's holoimage winked out, Quingil's knees buckled and only the Trandoshen's strength saved him from falling to the deck in a heap. Tharan helped support his new friend. "To the medbay with you."

"I'm fine," Quingil protested, unable to resist when the other two tugged him in that direction.

He rolled his eyes and kept going. "No, you're not, Quin. You've shielded six people now and each one has taken a toll on your strength."

"I just need to rest and meditate." The Miraluka reluctantly lay back on the medical bed when they reached it.

The human shook his head and rummaged in the cabinets for a scanner. "You said that after you shielded Duras and Laranna. You need more than meditation and rest, my friend."

_"Find Vivicar. Defeat him."_ With Holiday's help, Tharan better understood the Trandoshen's language. _"Best solution."_

When Tharan approached with the scanner, Quingil lay still. "We're working on that Qyzen. We learned much from Master Erzi."

_"Not enough."_ Qyzen looked disgruntled. Or maybe that was his default expression. It was hard to tell with a species so different from his own.

The scanner beeped and Tharan read the results. "You need food more than anything, Quin. Have you eaten at all recently?"

"I haven't really had an appetite." The Jedi sat up on the bed and nearly fell right back down.

The human rolled his eyes. "You won't be any shape to stop Vivicar if you don't eat."

"After I've had time to meditate and sleep." This time, Quingil successfully sat up and slid off the bed, taking a moment to steady himself.

Before either Tharan or Qyzen could stop him, the Jedi had left the room. Sighing, the human looked at the Trandoshen. "I'm going planetside with him on Alderaan. I'm better suited for dealing with the people there anyway."

_"Will hunt in their wilds. Contact me if Herald needs me."_ Qyzen headed to the crew quarters.

Holiday winked into view the next moment. "Will Jedi Quin be all right, Tharan dear?"

"I sure hope so, my dear Holiday." He headed to the cockpit to get the clearance they needed to leave and set them on course for Alderaan. Once they were underway, he accessed the HoloNet. Something about Quingil's behavior didn't sit right with him.


	5. Alderaan and After

"I see now why you prefer Qyzen to accompany you," Tharan remarked as they left Vox's camp. "I'd no idea how much fighting you did."

Quingil offered him a wry smile as they walked. "Alderaan _is_ in the middle of a civil war, you know."

"Yes, but that doesn't necessarily mean you get into the middle of the mess." He rolled his eyes, amused in spite of himself.

Chuckling, the Jedi told him, "It does when the person I'm trying to find is moderating a peace summit."

"I'm not sure I like that fact, actually." He stroked his goatee as he thought on that fact.

The Miraluka 'looked' at him in surprise. The lack of eye contact still unsettled him occasionally, but the human was getting used to it. "What do you mean?"

"It's just, this plague makes them Dark, right?" He was relieved that Quingil was listening to him, letting him express his theory.

The Jedi nodded. "Yes, that's why we have to find Master Sidonie and shield her as soon as possible."

"Well, what if that darkness from Lord whats-his-face jeopardizes this peace summit?" An amused chuckle escaped his friend at his nickname for Vivicar. "With representatives from all the Houses on Alderaan there, she could easily incite them to declare war on each other."

Quingil stopped short then, looking as stunned as if he'd taken a blow to the stomach. "What if Ulgo isn't responsible for Lew Organa's kidnapping?"

"Wait, you're not suggesting--" Tharan stopped then, thinking about it. "The timing _is_ awfully convenient. If it's Master Sidonie--"

"Then there's no time to waste." The Jedi fiddled with his left glove, doing something that the scientist couldn't quite see.

Before he could say or do anything, his friend took off at a dead run. As he followed, Tharan touched the implant by his ear. "Did you catch that, Holiday?"

"Almost. The way he stood blocked my view."

"Slag."

* * *

Tharan stopped Quingil once they'd exited the Council chambers. "Before you help Yuon, you need to eat something."

"I'm not hungry, Tharan, and time is of the essence." The Jedi shook off his hand.

Qyzen stopped him before he could take another step. _"Herald no use without food."_

"I'm fine, gentlemen." If he'd not been Miraluka, Tharan was sure Quingil would have rolled his eyes at that point.

Shaking his head, Tharan told him, "We're worried about Master Yuon, too, Quin, but we're also worried about _you_. Please, humor us?"

"Fine, if it will make you feel better." As a Jedi, Quingil was above 'storming off', but he clearly wasn't pleased to be ordered around.

He glanced up at the Trandoshen, the only person he knew who'd spent a great deal of time with the Jedi recently. "Was he like this from the start?"

_"Calm, centered. Worried for Yuon."_ Qyzen shook his head. _"Irritable since Nar Shaddaa. Not with others. Just us."_

Tharan nodded. He'd picked up on that, too. Either Quingil trusted them enough to let his guard down or something only bothered him when he didn't have a mission. "No appetite, only wants to meditate and sleep. Irritable with us, but not others. I don't like the way this is adding up."

"He's eating, Tharan, dear, but there's not much on his plate," Holiday's sweet voice murmured in his ear. "It looks like he's only picking at it."

He touched the implant. "Thank you, my dear."

"He's already getting up and leaving." She'd no sooner delivered her warning than Quingil rejoined them, wiping his mouth.

His expression calm once again, he told them, "I apologize for snapping at you earlier, Tharan. You were right, I _did_ need food."

"Quite all right, Quin." He forced a jovial smile, hoping the Jedi would assume his worry and concern was about the upcoming ritual. "We all get snappish when we're hungry."

The Miraluka nodded. "Yes. Well, Yuon is waiting. Qyzen, would you like join us? Yuon was your friend long before she became my master."

_"Will help protect Yuon."_ The Trandoshen nodded. _"And Herald."_

When the Jedi 'looked' at him, Tharan shook his head. "I have some research I need to conduct. You can tell me about it later."

"Very well. I don't know how long this will take."

"I know. It's all right."


	6. Tython (Reprise)

"How do you feel?" Yuon asked the question the moment she entered the infirmary in the Jedi Temple, where Quingil had been unconscious for several hours after removing the shields from all of Vivicar's victims.

The Jedi smiled wanly at his former Master. "It's so strange. I'd grown used to the lack of strength, to the fact that each task seemed to take more effort, more energy. Even my connection to the Force and ability to use it were diminished. Now, to have it all back, it's almost too much."

"I know what you mean." She smiled sympathetically, sitting down in the chair by the bed. "I'd been weak and frail for so long, even after you shielded me. I'm not used to being strong and healthy anymore."

He smiled and covered her hand with his. "I would do it all again in a heartbeat, Master Yuon. It's why I wanted to be a Jedi, after all. I wanted to help people."

"I doubt you thought you'd be helping fellow Jedi, though." Her mouth twisted into a wry smile. "I had made so many plans for your training and your trials. Now they're wasted."

Quingil shook his head. "Not wasted, Master. You can still share them with me. We'll be colleagues instead of Master and Padawan."

"Yes, that's an excellent idea." She smiled brightly at the thought, pleased by the idea. "Some of my plans depended on the right timing, but others-- yes! We'll do that."

The Miraluka smiled and squeezed her hand. "I look forward to it."

"As do I." She returned the squeeze and studied him for several moments, watching his smile fade. "Something's bothering you. What is it?"

He remained silent for more than a few moments, 'looking' out the window at the beautiful day outside. She waited patiently, sensing that this was something he needed to ask. Finally, he turned back to her. "When I confronted Master Fain on Nar Shaddaa, he mentioned something that happened on Malachor Three."

Yuon went very still at his words, surprised that the guilt, pain, and grief that usually accompanied thoughts of that planet weren't as strong as they once were. Glancing around to ensure that no one else was nearby, she answered softly, "He mentioned that we became lovers while we were there, didn't he?"

"He did." Quingil looked apologetic. "At the time, I thought he was merely saying it to throw me off, to distract me from my purpose there. Upon reflection, I realized it had to be true. Why would he lie when everyone else who'd been there had told the truth?"

She nodded, taking a moment to process her emotions and regain her hard-won calm and peace. "It was a long time ago. Duras and I had had... feelings for each other since we were Padawans. Due to Terrak Morrhage's influence, we finally gave in to those feelings. I--"

"Laranna is your daughter, too, isn't she?" He held her hand firmly when she started to pull it away, a sharp stab of remorse cutting through her.

Yuon nodded, her throat tight. With some effort, she spoke, "I was more ashamed of our actions than he was. We hadn't seen each other for months when I realized I was pregnant. I didn't know what to do. In the end, I couldn't abort our child, but neither could I bear to raise her. Duras took her in and, when she proved to be as much a Jedi as either of us, she became a Padawan. She looks and acts so much like him that no one's suspected." She managed a watery smile for him. "Until you."

"Her Force signature is very like his, but also yours," he admitted with a small smile. "I noticed that when I unshielded everyone earlier." He squeezed her hand. "I won't tell anyone. It's not my secret to tell."

Yuon nodded, relieved, and returned the squeeze. "Thank you, Quingil. You should rest now."

"I don't _feel_ tired," he complained, making a face, though she could sense his exhaustion. "For once, I have more energy than I know what to do with."

She encouraged him to lay down and gently tugged the covers up to his shoulders. "You say that _now_ , but you'll wish you'd stayed in bed. Trust me."

"Thank you for coming to see me, Master Yuon." He smiled up at her, the sense of exhaustion stronger.

"I couldn't do anything less." She waited until she knew he was asleep, and then gently brushed his hair back from his face. _Is this what it feels like to be a mother? I never gave myself the chance with Laranna._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my headcanon, based on what little we're given in canon.


	7. Balmorra

"Is he always like that?" Zenith addressed the question to Tharan as the scientist scanned him for a full physical.

The human looked at the Twi'lek in surprise. "Always like what?"

"So... holier-than-thou." The former resistance fighter gestured to make his point. "I guess some people would say 'perfect'?"

Tharan gave a soft huff of laughter as he drew blood for testing. "He's a Jedi and has spent all of his life training for it. From what I heard when I visited Tython with him, he has an unusually strong connection to the Force, even for his species."

" _His_ species?" Zenith looked startled. "I thought he was human."

The scientist shook his head as he placed the blood samples in the machine that would analyze them. "No. He's Miraluka. Did you not wonder why he wore that mask?"

"Mask? I thought he just had sensitive eyes." The Twi'lek looked towards the door where the Jedi had exited.

Another headshake. "No. Miralukas don't have eyes. They use the Force to 'see', so all of them have at least _that_ connection. Like any other species, though, some have a stronger connection than others. Our dear Quin apparently has a very strong connection."

"Do Miraluka also get headaches?" Zenith's question surprised Tharan into looking up from the results of the first tests on the former resistance fighter's blood.

He stood up and moved to the bed, gripping the other male's arm. "Headaches? Are you sure?"

"Yes. He seemed to rub his forehead a lot as we fought our way through the factory." The Twi'lek looked surprised by the human's intensity. "Is that significant?"

The scientist let out a deep sigh and added headaches to the mental list he'd compiled. "I don't know. Wherever we're going next, I think it'd be best if I went planetside with him."

"Tharan, is everything all right in here?" Quingil appeared in the doorway as if by chance. "I sensed a spike in your emotions."

Silently cursing his momentary lapse, Tharan pasted a smile on his face. "Everything's fine, Quin. May I ask: where are we going next?"

"A planet called Quesh. Why do you ask?" The Jedi frowned in puzzlement.

The scientist made a face at that. "That's a toxic mudhole of a planet. You're not going there without me."

"I thought you don't like to fight?" A wry smile twitched at the Miraluka's lips.

He gave a disinterested shrug. "I'll manage. I don't like the idea of you going dirtside without me on a planet like that."

"If that is your wish. I'll tell Qyzen he can go elsewhere to hunt if he likes." Quingil ducked out of the medbay.

Zenith eyed Tharan suspiciously. "There's more to your wish to go with him than to keep him healthy. Your services would have been of better use on Balmorra."

"You're right, there is." He returned to the analyzer to check the results. "However, it isn't something I can share at the moment without more concrete proof. Would you mind asking Qyzen to come in here? I'd like to check him over for injuries."

After a long moment, the Twi'lek hopped down from the medbed. "All right."

"Thanks." He waited until he was alone to release a long sigh and scrub his hands through his hair. "Slag."

For a moment, he imagined that felt Holiday rubbing her hands over his shoulders. "That means it's getting worse, isn't it?"

"Yes, my dear. It hasn't stopped, even with his strength back." He'd feared as much, though he'd hoped it wouldn't be true. _I have a feeling Quesh is going to make matters worse._


	8. Quesh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to giggle-fit on Tumblr for her advice and help on this. There is a reference to addiction in this chapter. If you don't want to read about that, turn back now.

Much as he would have preferred to take his time washing up, Tharan instead hurried through the process, drying off and dressing in the provided tunic and pants. When the sergeant arrived with his and Quingil's gear, he put a finger to his lips before he could speak. Though the sergeant frowned, he simply nodded and handed the pile of armor and weapons to Tharan. Nodding his thanks, he set the pile on the bench next to him and waited until the sergeant had left before reaching for the Jedi's gloves. As he expected, when he held one in each hand, the left was heavier than the right. Feeling inside, he found several vials sewn into the lining and an injector that would only require some minor fiddling from the outside. _Clever. That's what he was doing each time he fidgeted with his glove._

It took only a little maneuvering on his part to pop one of the vials out of the lining. Though it had no label on it, he could guess at the contents. Keeping his voice low, he asked, "Holiday?"

 _"It's what you think it is, Tharan, dear,"_ she whispered, choosing not to waste the energy materializing. _"It's a stim and a powerful one at that."_

He nodded and set it aside to rummage through the pockets on Quingil's gear, aware that the Miraluka's shower had stopped and he was likely drying off and dressing. Tharan lined up the vials he found on the bench beside him, surprised by the number of them. _This is worse than I thought._ At the clatter of curtain rings, he looked up to see the Jedi standing stock still, holding a towel wrapped around the ends of his long red hair. Without the mask to hide his 'eyes', it was easier to read the emotions playing across Quingil's face: surprise, hurt, anger, and finally resignation. "I should have known you would figure it out."

"I apologize for going through your things without your permission, but I was worried." Tharan set aside the belt in his hand as Quingil sat down on the bench, towel-drying his hair as he did. Without another word, he plucked up the mask and offered it to the Miraluka.

The Jedi nodded and accepted it, settling it into place on his nose. "How long did it take you to begin suspecting that something was wrong?"

"After Tatooine." He shrugged and idly ran a hand along the vials, making them clink against each other. Quingil seemed to flinch at the sound. "That's when I first noticed any signs and when I began to watch for more."

Another nod as he resumed towel-drying his hair. "Have you discussed your suspicions with anyone else?"

"Just Qyzen. He's known you longer after all." He didn't miss the way the Jedi's shoulders slumped with relief at that. "Why?"

Draping the towel over his shoulders, the Miraluka rubbed his forehead. "As a Jedi, my only ally when I fight should be the Force. I shouldn't _need_ to rely on anything else." He gestured to the vials with a sigh of frustration. "However, as you know, shielding each person took a portion of my strength. More than I let on, though something tells me I didn't really fool _you_."

"Maybe at first, but that scan I took after Tatooine helped me realize the truth." Tharan sighed deeply, remembering how much it had troubled him. "That's when I began to watch more carefully and take note of what you did and didn't do."

Quingil's mouth twisted into a bitter smile. "Shielding Master Yuon didn't seem to affect me too much and Master Tykan only a little more. After Master Duras, however, _everything_ seemed to take too much effort. I didn't have enough strength or energy. Worst of all, even my connection to the Force seemed muted."

"You needed something to help." Tharan glanced at the vials between them, understanding now. "That's why you started using stims."

He released a shuddering sigh, rubbing his forehead again. "I knew there was a possibility of addiction. I learned about it as part of my studies to be a healer, but I _still_ used them. I thought I could control it, but--"

"You were wrong." Though he kept his voice gentle, his friend still recoiled, burying his face in his hands. "Let me guess: you had to start using stronger ones because you built up a tolerance to the weaker ones." He paused to consider for a moment. "And you continued to shield people: Laranna, Master Eriz, Master Sidonie, and Master Yuon again. Oh, and Parkanas himself."

Quingil cringed at each name and Tharan half-expected his cheeks to be wet with tears when he lifted his head, but they were dry, despite the anguish on his face. "I _tried_ to stop. Told myself I wouldn't need them on Balmorra, but I didn't realize I'd packed them until I'd used one."

"That's the problem with habits: you don't even notice when they've developed because they become second nature to you." He reached over to squeeze Quingil's hand reassuringly. "Are you serious about kicking this addiction? I'd be willing to help and I'm sure Qyzen will, too."

The hope and relief on the Jedi's face nearly broke the scientist's heart and he pretended not to have one for a reason. "Will you? It's clear I can't do it on my own and I _hate_ that it's happened."

"I will. First step will be to get rid of these." He gestured to the vials between them. "Do you have any in your quarters?"

A short, sharp nod as the Miraluka 'looked' away, his larynx bobbing several times. "Yes."

"Finding them and getting rid of them will be the next step." He gathered up the vials with a clatter and Quingil hunched in on himself. He stood up and carried the stims to the recycler, tossing the whole lot into the bin. When he returned to the bench, the Jedi had scooped up his gear and disappeared into the cubicle, presumably to change. Tharan did the same, suddenly realizing why his friend's face had been dry despite his obvious anguish: _He's Miraluka. They don't have eyes so they don't have a biological need to cry._


	9. Hoth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are references to someone struggling with addiction in this chapter, primarily withdrawal.

"I cannot leave anybody in pain. Here, this will help." Quingil extended his hand over the crouching engineer and Tharan could have sworn he felt a tingle in the air that had nothing to do with the cold. If he were the fanciful sort, that is.

The Imperial soldier carefully stood up, the pain easing from his face. "Yes. That's better. Thank you, Jedi. I'll never forget this."

"Healing armor, hmm?" Tharan mused as they left the base. "That would explain why Valon has been able to recover from even a battle with _you_ , Quin."

The Jedi didn't respond at first, fidgeting with his left glove. Noticing this, Tharan snatched his arm. "What are you doing?"

"Third rule of kicking an addiction," he answered calmly, lightly feeling the glove with his fingers. "Point out when you're falling back into the behaviors."

Quingil 'gazed' at his arm in surprise. "I hadn't even noticed I was doing it."

"That's the difficulty." He released the Miraluka's arm. "Nothing in your glove, but I had to check. My apologies."

They continued on their way. "You have nothing to apologize for. I asked you to help and you see now why I've been struggling."

"Indeed, though I wonder why you reached for it now." He stroked his goatee thoughtfully. "Those Imperials were hardly a challenge for you."

The Jedi frowned. "Healing that engineer was more difficult than it should have been. It took more effort to call the Force than it has in the past, even after I shielded Master Fain on Nar Shaddaa. I'm not sure why."

"One of the side effects of extensive stim use is that the body stops producing the chemicals that perform the same function as the stim itself." They bent their heads against the cold wind as they emerged from the ice cave. "It'll take time for your body to begin producing those chemicals again now that you've stopped using stims. Perhaps one such chemical is actually the midi-chlorians?"

Quingil looked stricken at the thought. "I hope not. Without them, I have no connection to the Force. I cannot be a Jedi."

"That's why I'm here, Quin. We'll get through this together." Tharan clasped his shoulder and pointed to where they'd left their speeders. "Now, let's get out of this cold and rendezvous with that lieutenant."

* * *

Once the soldiers left with Valon, Quingil dropped to his knees on the ship deck, prodding at his left glove. Tharan knelt beside him. "Quin?"

"I-- The Force--" The Jedi began clawing at his glove, trying to remove it. "Can't--"

He used the portable scanner from his medkit and frowned. "I can't find anything wrong. You're perfectly healthy, if a little battered from fighting Valon."

"So strange--" The Miraluka seemed dazed as he finally managed to get his glove off and turned it inside out. "Everything's dim."

Tharan grabbed the glove before Quingil could search for hidden pockets. These weren't the Jedi's usual gloves, however, so he doubted there were, but he had to check. "Once we get back to the ship, I'll do a blood test for your midi-chlorian count."

"Give that back!" He snatched for the glove and the scientist let him have it now that he was sure there weren't any stims hidden inside it. "I need--"

He rested a hand on the Jedi's arm, worried by his behavior. "You _don't_ need the stims, Quin. You just need time."

"I don't _have_ time." He turned the glove right side out and pulled it on. "There's still so much work to be done."

Tharan helped him to his feet. "At least rest and meditate while we travel to wherever the Rift Alliance wants you to go next. That's all you can do for now."

"How do you _live_ like this?" Quingil pressed a hand to his forehead. "Without any connection to the Force?"

He shrugged as they headed back the way they'd come. "It's how I've always lived, Quin."

"It doesn't feel right."

"I understand."


	10. Interlude

"Doctor Cedrax? May I speak with you?" Nadia entered the medbay far enough for the door to close behind her.

The scientist looked up from his datapad, a welcoming smile on his face. "Of course, Miss Grell. What can I do for you?"

"How much do you know about Force abilities?" she clasped her hands behind her back, trying to hide her nerves.

He raised an eyebrow as he sat back in his chair, setting the datapad on his desk. "Quite a bit since I've been traveling with our dear Quin. Do you have a question about particular abilities?"

"I wondered if Force users can sense emotions or if it's just me?" She held her breath, hoping for one answer and dreading the other.

He nodded, a small smile curving his lips. "For the most part, they can, though some are better at it than others." Tharan looked at her curiously. "Can _you_ sense emotions, my dear?"

"Yes, I can." Nadia nodded, relieved by his answer. "Being among so many people in such close quarters is very trying for me usually, because I can sense everything everyone is feeling. I'm used to it now, though."

Tharan straightened up, his gaze sharpening. "Can you even sense Master Quingil?"

"That's why I'm asking these questions: he's feeling guilty for some reason." She blinked in surprise at the spike of worry and concern that came from him. "Maybe it's because he didn't get to the station soon enough to save all those soldiers and civilians?"

He calmed the next moment, his smile back in place. "That could be it. Thank you for--"

"Tharan? Are you-- Oh, Miss Grell, my apologies. I didn't mean to disturb you two." The Jedi hesitated in the doorway, 'looking' from one to the other of them.

She stepped back so he could enter fully, though it made the medbay rather crowded. "It's nothing, Master Quingil. We were just finishing our discussion."

"Yes, we'd just finished. Thank you, Miss Grell." Tharan gave her a small wave.

Nadia waved back and exited the medbay. She'd made it less than a meter before she stopped and turned to stare at the closed door. Quingil's mild curiosity had given way to horrible guilt and defensiveness with self-disgust underneath while Tharan's emotions were a mix of disappointment, reassurance, and anger directed at himself. _We'd had no idea about Blaesus. It's not_ his _fault._


	11. Belsavis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR spoilers for the post-Belsavis Jedi Consular quest.

Nadia tried not to crumple. Truly, she did, but once they were on their ship and her father's body was in storage until it could be sent home to Sarkhai, her legs wouldn't support her anymore. Her knees buckled and she slumped to the deck. _He's gone. He'll never smile at me again, never tell me he loves me again, that he doesn't consider me a freak. Gone, gone, gone,_ gone _!_

("Nadia? Listen to me, Nadia.") Quingil's voice pierced through the fog of grief and pain that engulfed her mind. ("Your grief is causing you to lash out with your gifts. You're endangering everyone on the ship. Focus and control them.")

His words snapped her back into awareness of the world around her and she clamped down hard on her emotions, pushing them away with a gasp. "I'm sorry, Master Quingil. I didn't mean--"

"I know you didn't." As always, his voice was gentle and soothing, calming her further. "I'm not saying you shouldn't grieve for your father. Only that you need to be careful of how deeply you lose yourself in your emotions."

She smiled shyly at him, comforted by his presence as much by his words. "I will try not to, Master Quingil, but--"

"I understand. He was your father and you two were obviously close." He stood up and offered his hand to her.

Taking it, she let him pull her to her feet. It seemed she'd knelt longer than she thought because her feet and lower legs tingled with renewed circulation. "He was all I had until recently."

"I can't imagine." Quingil sounded wistful as he let her steady herself with a hand on his arm as she shook feeling back into her legs and feet. "I began training to be a Jedi when I was six years old. I never saw my parents again."

Nadia stared up at him in shock. "That's _awful_! Don't you miss them?"

"To be honest, I barely remember them." He sighed softly. "I've told you that my people are often powerful in the Force. Sometimes, when a truly powerful child is born, he or she leaves his or her parents to be trained by the Jedi masters on our homeworld. Since it is better for Jedi to not have attachments, such children never see their parents again." He 'looked' at her. "To avoid incidents such as yours."

She shook her head, still shocked. "I can't imagine life without Father. He taught me so much and we were so happy."

"Hold on to those happy memories, Nadia. Remember them when the grief seems to be too much to bear." He gripped her shoulders gently, surprising her. He usually restricted himself to handshakes or pats on the shoulder or arm. Nothing like this.

Smiling hesitantly, she nodded. "I will, Master Quingil." Looking around, she finally noticed the mess she'd made. "I'm sorry about the mess."

"It's all right." He drew her into a gentle hug. "I know you didn't mean it."

After a moment of surprise, she returned the hug. It was so different from hugging her father and not simply because he was skinny where her father had been fat. There wasn't a sense of paternal warmth like there had been with her father. It was a different type of warmth, but she couldn't quite put her finger on _what_ that warmth could be. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She just lost her father. How else would she react?


	12. Voss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's discussion of addiction and struggling to overcome it in this chapter.

"Are you _sure_ you're all right, Nadia?" Quingil asked as she rested on one of the medbeds.

She smiled up at him, covering one of his hands where it rested on the bed beside her. "I'm _fine_ Master. Rest is really all I need."

"I'm sorry I asked you to take the burden." He looked ashamed and anguished and she could sense both tangled together with regret.

Nadia frowned and sat up, folding her legs beneath her. "I offered my strength and it worked. Just like you shielding all those Masters."

"That's why I had to ask you." He bowed his head, the shame practically swallowing him now. "Only Tharan and Qyzen know about this, but you should as well since you're my Padawan."

She turned on the bed, reaching out to lightly touch his bowed head. "What are you so ashamed of? You saved the Masters and even Parkanas."

"You felt what happened when they took your strength to save Gaden-Ko." He straightened up to 'look' at her. "It's likely similar to what happened each time I shielded someone from Vivicar. Each time I did, I lost a little more of my strength, energy, and even my connection to the Force. After Master Fain, I felt so weak that I-- I started to use stims so I'd have the energy and strength I needed to complete my tasks. By the time I shielded Parkanas, I'd become addicted to stims. Even after I regained the strength I'd sacrificed to protect the others, my addiction remained."

She frowned again, starting to suspect where he was going with this. "You've been struggling with it, haven't you?"

"I-- Yes, I have." He turned his head away, his shame spiking. "After Quesh, Tharan confronted me and agreed to help me fight it. Every time I pass a medical vendor, it's a struggle not to stop and buy more. Every time I open the medical kit, my fingers itch to pick up one of the stims."

Nadia took his hand in both of hers. "Why didn't you say anything before? We could've helped."

"It's just--" He paused and licked his lips, and then continued in a rush. "Jedi aren't supposed to rely on anything except the Force to help us accomplish our goals." Quingil refused to 'look' at her. "To tell the Rift Alliance would have shown me as weak and, since I represent both the Republic and the Jedi Council, it would have made _them_ seem weak as well. Tharan knows because he's, well, Tharan, and Qyzen knows because Tharan consulted with him before confronting me."

She suddenly remembered when she'd asked Doctor Cedrax about Force users sensing emotions. What she'd sensed from Quingil after that felt remarkably similar to what she felt from him now. Gently, she asked, "When did you last have a stim?"

"Waypoint Station Three." He pressed his lips together after whispering the words, as if he wished he could take them back.

She squeezed his hand firmly, making up her mind in that moment. "I'll help you fight it, in whatever ways I can. We have the Force on our side."

"That's the worst side-effect of stim withdrawal." He finally 'looked' back at her. "My connection to the Force is diminished because the chemicals in the stims affected my midi-chlorian count. It's been going back up since then because I've managed to avoid using stims, but--"

"You were afraid you'd be tempted to use one if you agreed to help heal Gaden-Ko." Nadia understood more clearly why he'd asked her.

Quingil nodded, his shame spiking even more. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked you to do something I wouldn't do myself."

"I _wanted_ to do it. He was in pain and suffering. How could I stand by and do nothing?" She held his hand tightly.

A small smile peeked through, his shame finally starting to ease. "I know and you showed remarkable courage and fortitude. Losing even a small fraction of your strength isn't easy."

"But worth it when another's pain and suffering is eased." She smiled back, relieved that his shame was abating.

He nodded. "Exactly."


	13. Corellia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR SPOILERS for the end of the Consular storyline.

_"I think they were hiding something. I'm going to download everything I can."_

_"There is a time and a place for gaining knowledge, Nadia!"_

_"I know! I know! But what if there's battle plans in here? This is... there's too much data, it's going to take too long. Wait! We passed a row of escape pods. I can pilot one out or point it at Corellia's surface or something."_

_"I'm not going to leave you behind, Nadia. I couldn't."_

_"You have to. But we'll be together again soon. I feel it. Please, the hangar won't be safe for long. Go on-- I'll see you on Corellia."_

Every time he tried to meditate, to clear his mind, he could only think of his last conversation with Nadia. For the first time he could remember, his emotions refused to be controlled. He couldn't compartmentalize his worry and fear for her. "I'm no good if I can't _focus_."

Qyzen briefly clasped his shoulder. _"Focus on hunt, Herald. Will help."_

"I've been trying, but I _can't_." He took a deep breath, doing his best to regain the composure Nadia had so admired. "I don't understand why. Is it because she's my Padawan?"

The Trandoshen shook his head. _"Didn't struggle on Coruscant. Worried then, but focused. Not for padawan."_

"Not for Nadia?" That sent a stab of dread through him. Even as he tried to tell himself that Qyzen meant he saw her as his daughter or sister, he knew that was incorrect. She was so bright and curious, eager to learn and help, to the point that she put others before herself. She was so different from him yet so similar and, he realized now, it had drawn him to her. But what should he _do_ about these feelings? The Jedi Code was clear on attachments. _I_ can't _do that to Nadia. She's lost so much already. I_ can't _hurt her more._

A touch on his arm drew him from his thoughts. _"There, Herald. Escape pod."_

"Nadia!" Quite without thinking, he burst into a run for the escape pod, scrambling over and around debris. When he reached it, though, he found the hatch jammed shut. Using his worry and need to see for himself that Nadia was all right, he pried the hatch open with the Force, sending it flying. Relief flooded through him when his padawan crawled out of the pod, coughing. As she caught her breath, he knelt beside her, but resisted the impulse to hug her like he wished to, "Everything's all right, Nadia. Breathe easy."

She smiled up at him, her Force signature bright and strong, as always. "I knew I'd see you again. I knew we'd both be all right."

 _"Strong hunter, despite small size,"_ Qyzen added as he stood over them. _"Like Herald."_

Still smiling, she flung her arms around him in the hug he'd denied himself. He couldn't deny _her_ , though, and gladly folded his arms around her in return, comforted and reassured. She drew back after a few moments, her smile sheepish, "It was worth it. I got all the data I could find from the Javelin's computers. Mission reports, plans, details--it's all here!"

"If I'd lost you, none of it would matter." He could admit that much because it was all true. He stood up and offered his hand to her.

She slipped her hand into his, her smile tinged with sadness now, and let him pull her to her feet. "It's okay. We're together again. We can talk later. Before we pass them on, I need Holiday to fix one of these files. It's badly corrupted, but some of the audio still works. Is there somewhere safe we can fix this? I... I think it has information about the First Son."

"We've made some new friends and they can help. Can you walk?" Still holding her hand, he knew the answer, but he hoped she would admit as much herself.

Nadia shook her head. "No. I'm in no condition to walk, let alone fight or run. I'm sorry, Master."

"Don't worry, Nadia." He squeezed her hand gently before pulling out his holocommunicator. "We've made some new friends while you were gone."

Later, as he watched her leave with the two Selonians, limping but eager to experience something new, he made a promise to himself: _I'll find Master Yuon and talk to her once we're done on Corellia. She's been in this sort of situation herself. Maybe she can offer insight._

* * *

"Doctor Cedrax!" Nadia scrambled out of the hatch that led below, searching for the scientist.

He appeared moments later, concerned but trying to hide it. "What is it, Nadia?"

"Master Quingil is hurt too badly to climb up." She kept her voice down so the others wouldn't hear. "He insisted on healing me first and now he can't heal himself."

Tharan sighed and rolled his eyes. "Stars save us from selfless Jedi Masters."

"Just help him, Doctor." She gave him a push towards the hatch.

He reluctantly climbed down. "Couldn't the First Son have chosen somewhere less... filthy to hide from us?"

"I'm touched by your concern for me, Tharan," Quingil retorted as Nadia climbed down behind the scientist.

When she reached the ground, Tharan had already begun examining the Miraluka, his forehead creased with concentration. "It looks like it was quite the battle, Master Quin. Did you succeed?"

"He did, Tharan." At the sound of Syo's voice, the scientist turned so quickly that he lost his balance and would have fallen if Nadia hadn't steadied him. Master Syo stood some distance away, close enough to speak to them, but no closer.

She could feel relief and hope warring with cynicism and pragmatism inside Tharan, though none of that struggle showed on his face. Nadia murmured to him, "It's all right, Doctor Cedrax. It _is_ Master Syo. He's in control now."

"I-- It's good to see you face-to-face, my friend." Tharan bowed slightly. "Though I would have much preferred vastly different circumstances."

For the first time since he took control, a small smile appeared on Syo's face. "You haven't changed a bit, have you, Tharan?"

"He's been an immense help, Master Syo." Quingil carefully got to his feet, having been quietly healing himself as the rest of them talked.

Nadia moved to support him, sensing that he was still a little weak. Tharan eyed them suspiciously. "I thought you couldn't heal yourself, Master Quin?"

"A small lie on our part." Neither of them were repentant. "I knew you would wish to see for yourself if Master Syo had survived."

Tharan gave a soft, annoyed huff, though his relief was palpable. "Jedi and their intuition."

"While I am glad to have seen Tharan, please go, all of you." Master Syo folded his hands together before him. "I need time to myself."

Quingil bowed slightly, as did Nadia. "May the Force be with you, Master Syo."

"And with you, Master Quingil."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In-game, Felix was the one who went missing. I realized AFTER I'd completed that quest that I could have had NADIA go missing. So I found a clip on YouTube where that had been the case and the dialogue in italics at the beginning is from that.


	14. Afterwards

"Oh, it's more beautiful than I remember!" Nadia's hushed exclamation drew a smile to his face as they stood on the steps of the Jedi Temple, the sun shining on them.

He reached out with the Force, relieved that it took less effort now. He still fought the impulse to buy stims every chance he could, but his friends had been most helpful. Part of him would always desire stims, want to feel the rush of energy from an injection, but he focused on moments like these, where the Force seemed to fill him from head to toe. He smiled as he breathed in the smells. "It's been too long since my last visit."

"Come on, let's go to the village!" She tugged on his arm and started down the steps.

He gently resisted and handed her the package they'd brought with them from the ship. "Why don't you give this to the villagers from both of us? I have someone I need to see."

"Can't you wait to see them?" She accepted the package despite her obvious disappointment.

He shook his head. "No. This is something I can't put off any longer."

"All right. I'll see you later then." She squeezed his hand and trotted off.

Once he was sure she'd headed for Kalikori Village, he himself set off for the ruins of Kaleth. The person he wished to see was busy there now that the ancient droids were either destroyed or deactivated. As he'd expected, he found her deep in the ruins, studying a carving. She turned as he approached and smiled warmly. "Master Quingil! This is a pleasant surprise."

"Master Yuon." He smiled and clasped her extended hands in greeting. "I'm glad to see you looking so well."

She laughed and led him over to a bench in the shade. A cooling unit waited and she withdrew a bottle of water from it, taking a long drink. "Give me ruins to study and I couldn't be happier."

"I know the feeling." He glanced at the ruins around him, even as he accepted a bottle of water from Yuon.

They sat and a sad smile crossed her face. "I planned to show you so many ruins, to share their knowledge with you. Look at you now: Barsen'thor and a member of the Council in just three years."

"I'd rather still be your padawan," he admitted quietly, his head bowed. "There've been times these last few years when I wondered if I was truly ready for the responsibilities placed on me."

She reached over and covered his hand with hers. "No one feels ready for such responsibilities when they're thrust on them. You've proven worthy of them, however, and you fully deserve the accolades you've received."

"I don't feel like it." He took a sip of the water. "Not at the moment."

He could feel her eyes on him, but didn't turn to her. Not yet. "What's troubling you, Quingil?"

"It's about my padawan, Nadia Grell," he told her after a long silence.

To his surprise, he sensed pleasure and amusement from his former master. "Ah, she's a lovely child. Very sweet and eager to learn and help."

"I didn't know you'd met her." He glanced at her in surprise.

She seemed just as surprised. "She didn't tell you she'd visited me when she came to Tython?"

"No, only that she'd enjoyed her visit and learned so much from it." He shook his head with a fond smile. "I'm pleased you like her."

As he hesitated, wondering how to broach the subject he truly wished to talk about, she asked shrewdly, "She's more than a padawan to you, isn't she?"

"How-- I--" He sighed deeply and reluctantly nodded. "Yes. I've come to care for her deeply and I thought at first that I only cared for her as an older brother would his younger sister, but then she went missing and I couldn't concentrate, couldn't focus because I was so worried for her."

Yuon laughed softly and that startled him. How could she laugh? "I do apologize, Quingil, but this is the most unsettled I've heard of you being. You're renowned for your calm composure after all."

"What should I do, Master Yuon? I know the Order would have us separated, but I couldn't do that to her, to us. She's lost so much as it is and I-- I can't imagine not having her by my side."

She squeezed his hand gently. "That is something you must decide for yourself. Denying your feelings is difficult, but can you truly do that when you spend every day with her by your side?"

"You did." He knew it was horrible of him to bring up Master Duras, but it was true.

She shook her head. "We resisted long enough to be assigned different masters. When we ended up on Malachor Three, however, we could not." She looked away. "Even if there'd been no dark lord influencing us, I doubt we could have resisted each other in the end."

"But--" He hesitated to voice his next thought, aware that they hadn't seen each other since Malachor Three.

She smiled sadly. "Malachor Three left deep scars on all of us, mostly mental. We couldn't face each other." She looked at him. "You have nothing to hold you back and, if your feelings for her are strong and deep, they will only strengthen you both."

"I want to do what's right for both of us, but I have no idea what that is anymore."

Yuon squeezed his hand again. "Speak to Nadia. This is something you will need to decide together, regardless of what you decide."

"Thank you, Master Yuon."

"You're welcome, Master Quingil."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all I have written for now, but the new expansion is giving me IDEAS, so we'll see.


	15. Shadows of Revan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They look death in the face on a regular basis, but this was different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was inspired by a post I read on Tumblr about what to do if someone is stung/bitten by a blue-ringed octopus. Quin took it from there.

"I'm _fine_ , Dr. Cedrax," Nadia told the scientist a little impatiently, unable to keep still.

He continued his scan, unperturbed by her impatience. "You were fully paralyzed for a good fifteen minutes this afternoon before I could synthesize and administer an antidote and it was another fifteen minutes before it took full effect."

"It _did_ take effect and I feel fine." She drummed her fingers impatiently on the bed.

Tharan finished his scan and studied the readout. "There's no sign of that toxin in your bloodstream now, but take care not to overdo it and--"

"Stay out of the water, I know." Nadia hopped off the bed and headed for the door. "I'll be careful, I promise."

Pausing outside, she took a few deep breaths, relishing the way her ribs lifted as her lungs filled with humid evening air. She'd been so scared earlier when she'd realized she couldn't move a single muscle, not even to breathe or pump her heart. Quingil and Tharan had realized her predicament and immediately acted to save her. While the scientist drew her blood and analyzed it to figure out what had caused the paralysis, her master had performed CPR, compressing her chest and breathing for her, talking to her all the while: _"You'll be all right, Nadia. Tharan will figure out an antidote and you'll be able to move again. I can feel your panic, stay with me."_

"I know you were panicking, too, Master," she murmured to herself, stretching out with the Force to sense him perched on the boardwalk near the water. Satisfied, she walked in that direction, savoring the play of her muscles with each step she took. Even as he'd kept his voice even and calm, she'd felt his worry-panic-fear through the Force.

When she reached his side, he merely patted the boards beside him. Smiling, she sat down, her booted feet dangling beside his. "How are you feeling?"

"Strange, but the good sort of strange." She kept her eyes on the water that had hidden whatever it was that had stung her and led to her paralysis. "I enjoy the ability to move freely now that I know what it felt like to have no control over my body."

He laughed softly and the soft thrum of worry she'd still sensed from him faded with the sound. "I imagine anyone who's been through that would feel the same."

"Indeed." She smiled, pleased that he'd relaxed, and began to swing her legs back and forth. "I want to thank you."

His expression didn't change, but she sensed his surprise. "For what?"

"For what you did for me." She folded her hands together in her lap, clasping them tightly.

Quingil's voice was soft when he replied, "I couldn't do anything less for you, Nadia. I'd almost lost you once before on Corellia."

"It worked out then and worked out today as well. The Force was with us." She kept her voice determinedly cheerful. The hours in the cramped escape pod had seemed interminable and led to a mild case of claustrophobia.

He nodded, bowing his head so his long red hair swept forward, hiding his face from her. "I'm very glad it worked out, but there will come a time when it won't, when even the Force won't be enough to save us."

"Master Quin?" She looked at him, confused and worried. "What are you talking about?"

He kept his head bowed and she resisted the temptation to tuck his hair behind his ear so she could see his face. "Death is part of life, Nadia. It will catch up to us eventually."

"Not for many years, I hope." Her determined smile faded when he didn't respond immediately. "Why are you bringing this up?"

Finally, he turned to face her, his expression unreadable, though she could sense fear, uncertainty, and hope from him. "I'm bringing it up because I want to tell you something that I realized months ago, but I'm not certain how to proceed."

"Why not simply _tell_ me and get it over with?" She reached out and took his hands in hers.

That got her a fond smile in reply. "A good suggestion. I--" he broke off with a muttered curse when his holocommunicator went off. Nadia stifled a surprised giggle as he pulled it out. Instead of answering it, he switched it off. "If it's important, they'll--"

"--try mine," she finished for him when her holocommunicator went off.

He stifled a sigh as she pulled hers out, only to look surprised when she turned it off. "Nadia?"

"Whatever it is you wanted to tell me, you'd better do so before Tharan comes looking for us." She smiled shyly at him, hardly daring to hope.

Nodding, he took her hands in his once again. "Nadia Grell, I love you. I'm not sure how or when it happened, but I realized it while we were searching for your escape pod on Corellia. The Code would have me request that you be assigned to a new master and for us to never see each other again, but I can't do that to--"

"Shh, Quin." She lightly pressed her fingers to his lips to stop the flow of his words. Her heart raced in her chest at this revelation. "I love you, too, Quin. I think it started when we first met and you didn't simply dismiss me or my opinions because I was a 'child'. You _listened_ to me. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, when the hatch to the escape pod opened and I saw you waiting for me."

Smiling, he reached up and turned her hand to press a kiss to the palm. "Just as a warning, I have no idea how we should proceed from here. I've never even _kissed_ someone before."

" _Never?_ " She stared at him in shock. Most teenagers she knew kissed each other when they were dating and some of the more daring ones even slept together.

He smiled sheepishly. "Never. You're the first person I've ever wanted to kiss."

"I'd say it's time to change that." She smiled playfully at him, silently asking permission.

After a moment of hesitation, he nodded. Still smiling, she leaned in and kissed him. After a moment, he responded clumsily. She cupped his cheek, gently guiding him. _It's so strange to be the teacher for once._

After a few more kisses-- where Nadia showed Quingil the finer points of kissing --they both sensed Tharan's approach and drew apart. He looked quite put out. "Grand Master Satele Shan just contacted me, asking why neither of you answered your holocommunicators."

"I didn't hear mine go off," Quingil explained calmly, pulling it out. "What about you, Nadia?"

She smiled sheepishly as she held hers up. "I must have turned mine off by accident."

"Right." Tharan eyed the two of them suspiciously. "She said she wished to speak with you as soon as possible, Master Quin. I'm guessing it's important."

He nodded, getting to his feet and stretching. "I'll do that. Thank you, Tharan."

"Thank you, Dr. Cedrax." Nadia put her hand in Quingil's and let him pull her to her feet.

Once she was steady on her feet, he turned on his holocommunicator. Whatever Master Satele wanted, it had to be important.


End file.
